Decided to be through with the long hair and stick with the short hair look for a while.

Halfway 2015

It's been a while since I've blogged about something...

A lot of things had happened.

And a year had passed since I got my heart broken big time by some asshole who told me he loves me and afterwards left me hanging with questions but later that same year, another man picked up the pieces and tried his best to fill up that hole in my chest. 

He was the reason I actually started smiling and feeling goosebumps again (I meant that in a good way) after crying myself to sleep almost every night thinking what was wrong with me.

After almost 4 long months of courting, I finally said yes...

We were together since June 19, 2014 and we celebrated our 1st anniversary last month. 

Sa totoo lang crush ko na siya noon bago pa maging kami kaya lang di ko sinabi kahit kanino (and by that, exempted ang bestfriends) kasi may gusto din sa kanya yung isa sa mga close college friend ko at ayoko namang makicomplicate pa. 

Pero naramdaman ko na noon na parang crush niya din ako kasi lagi niya nila-like pictures ko, minsan sa isang picture, siya lang magla-like (Assuming, sorry ✌️)

Then it happened, it all happened so fast. 

 Nagparamdam na siya, (finally!!!) He messaged me then nagtuloy tuloy naman na. We started seeing each other once a month kasi nasa Nueva Ecija ako, tapos siya nasa Baguio. Tapos siya nagsummer classes, ako hindi kasi naoperahan ako sa breast lump ko. 

And the rest was history.... A year well spent with my love 💕 and more to come. 

Legal age

Noong bata pa ako, gustong gusto ko na tumanda. Gusto ko na magdalaga. Meron pang time nun na meron akong watercolor at pumunta ako sa CR, nilagyan ko ung medyo off white kong shorts ng red na watercolor tapos sinabi ko kay mama na 'meron na ako'. Siguro 8 or 9 years old ata ako noon.

Masyado 'kong gustong i-advance ang mga bagay bagay noon. Pati paglalagay ng make-up. Naiinis pa ako kay mama kapag binabawal niya ako. Naiinis ako pag tinatrato nila akong bata. Yung masyadong bine-baby. Bawal ganyan, bawal ganito. Naiinis ako pag andun ako sa mga kapwa ko bata dahil gusto kong mapasama sa group of adults. Kunwari sa isang party or small family gatherings ganun. Nagmamadali akong lumaki. Gustong gusto ko pa nun na naglalaba lalo na ung tunog ng pagkusot ng damit, pati pagsasaing din pinakikialaman ko.

 Ngayon, dumating na ung time, 18 na ako. Eto na ung pinakaaasam asam ko nung bata pa ako. Ituring na isang grown-up. Magkaroon ng mga responsibilidad. Nagbabago nga talaga lahat. Ayaw ko na maglaba, ayoko na magsaing. Ayoko na magluto. Pero sa isang banda, naaamaze ako. Akalain mo lahat yun natutunan ko, marunong na ko ng bagay bagay!

More adventures habang papatanda. Let's go!~

HEALTH UPDATE!

Last 2012, nadiscover kong ako ay may lump sa aking left breast pero hindi ko siya binigyang pansin. Binalewala ko. Sabi ko pa sa sarili ko, "wala 'to, mawawala din 'to." Kasi nasanay ako nun na pag may nararamdaman akong sakit kunwari lagnat/sinat, sipon, ubo, pinapabayaan ko. Di naman kasi ako sakitin at nawawala rin lang kahit di ako umiinom ng gamot pwera nalang pag talagang inaapoy na ako ng lagnat pero pag simpleng cough and colds, talagang hinahayaan ko lang.

Hanggang sa last month, na-feel kong there's something wrong na. Nag-iba na ung itsura niya dun sa kabila at nagsimula na akong mag-alala. At dahil patapos naman na ang 2nd semester nung napansin ko, inantay ko nalang na makauwi ako dito sa province namin para makapagpacheck up at nalaman kong breast cancer stage 1 na.

Nag-alala ako, nadepress kasi etong sakit na 'to ang pinakakinatatakutan ko sa lahat. Pag may kinukwento kasi sakin si mommy noon na kaibigan niyang may ganitong sakit talagang kinikilabutan ako, hndi sa pandidiri pero kasi maisip ko palang na tatanggalin ung isa mong breast, talagang tumatayo balahibo ko. Tapos sakin pala mangyayari.

Then kahapon na dapat sana ay paakyat na ako ng Baguio para sa summer classes, biglang nagkaroon ng unbearable pain sa aking left breast at ipinunta na ako agad ni mommy sa ospital. Ayun binigyan ulit ako ng mga gamot at nag-schedule na ng operation sa friday. Napostpone ang pagakyat ko ng Baguio at nagdadalawang isip na si mommy kung magsa-summer classes pa ako dahil nga sa kalagayan ko saka ang laki ng magagastos para sa operation.

Ang tapang nung mga gamot na ibinigay sa akin na tuwing iniinom ko, nahihilo ako. -____- Sana gumaling na. I miss Baguio. I miss my friends.

Ang aking ideal guy.

1. Yung musically inclined. Basta talaga magaling sa instruments lalo na sa gitara at drums, attractive para sa'kin. Bonus pa pag maganda yung boses or kahit marunong lang kumanta.
2. Yung dancer. Super bet ko talaga kapag magagaling gumalaw. Ewan ko ba kung bakit.
3. Pasensiyoso. Yung kahit pikon na pikon na sayo, hindi pa rin makuhang magalit.
4. Yung may respeto sa mga babae. Yung iisipin palang niyang manloko, nakokonsensya na siya.
5. YUNG HINDI MAYABANG. PINAKAAYAW  KO SA LAHAT ANG MASYADONG MAHANGIN.
6. Yung marunong magpakasaya pero hindi sobra sobra. Yung alam niya yung limitasyon niya, go with the flow pero alam kung kailan magsasabi ng.. 'Uy, tama na yan. Sobra na'
7. Yung hindi pervert. Ayoko lang talaga yung mga lalaking ang bastos magsalita at kung makahawak sayo ubod sa kamanyakan. Respeto please!
8. Yung maeffort. Kahit yung mga simpleng sulat sulat lang, pinapahalagahan ko yun. 
9. Yung may sense of humor at madaldal. Pinakaturn on para sa'kin. Yung hindi kayo mawawalan ng topic kahit kayong dalawa lang at hindi kayo mabo-bore sa isa't isa.
10. Yung may isang salita at marunong magkeep ng promises. Pag sinabi niya, tutuparin niya.
11. Yung parang bestfriend mo lang. 

Pero lahat ng lalaking minahal ko, yung hindi basta simpleng crush lang, kabaligtaran lahat ng iyan. Dun mo nga talagang masasabing kahit magset ka ng standards mo sa magu-gustuhan mong tao, pag tumibok ang puso mo. Yun na yun! :)

May mas tatanga pa ba sayo?

Alam mo yung pakiramdam ng pinaasa?
Yung pakiramdam na parang isa kang uto utong human being.
Yung pakiramdam na para kang ginago.
Yung pakiramdam na nasasaktan ka na at gusto mo nalang umiyak
Yung pakiramdam na nagseselos ka kahit wala ka namang karapatan
Yung sa unan mo nalang nailalabas lahat ng galit mo
Yung pakiramdam na maling mali pero pinipilit mo parin
Yung pakiramdam na ayaw mo pang bitawan kahit di naman sayo
Yung hindi mo matanggap na ayaw niya sayo.


Yung ang sakit na.. </3

Feels like cloud 9

I want to believe you have something for me. I've always wanted to believe you but I'm scared. I'm scared that it might actually hurt, a lot. Now I've discovered something else, I feel so happy and surprised. I didn't expect that this day would come that I would hear that it's actually true. It actually happened. You actually said it. I wanted to cry of happiness. You light me up once again. Now I have so many questions I want to ask you but I just don't have the guts to do so.

Thank you for completing my valentine's day and my everyday by doing those simple gestures. I appreciate all that.. <3

The woman who can't be moved.

Why is it that whatever I do, I'd still end up looking at you even if I don't wanted to..

I wanted to move forward but you don't have any idea you just keep pulling me back from where I started.. effortlessly, and I hate you for that. But I still love you at the same time.. To the point that it's okay if I hurt, if you don't love me back as long as you're there. I'm complete.

I wanted to tell you everything I wanted to say but it just feels so awkward for me. I always think that when I say all of these things to you, I might end up looking stupid. I don't want that to happen. I don't want you to look at me that way. A pathetic girl. I just put on a mask to hide what I truly feel. But you didn't seem to notice that. I guess I'm not just as important to you as I think. :')

I should take away that bad habit of mine, assuming everything I observe/notice. I must learn to ask but I don't have the guts either. I don't know how to make a move. How to approach or talk to you without looking/sounding bitter, mad and pretentious. I want to act natural when you're around but it's just so hard to control myself when you're there. It's like I'm inside a room full of traps that you can't see, and one wrong move, you'll die. That's exactly how I feel.

I just don't understand myself sometimes. Confused. Always thinking of the what ifs over and over again. Never thought I'd reach this point where it's so hard to let you go even though you were never mine. plus the fact that you don't care. Even when you don't say it. It's obvious and I feel it. And that just adds to the pain in my heart.

Sometimes I wish, feelings would go away when you tell them to. I wish it was just that easy. But seeing you everyday just makes my progress of moving on a little bit harder. I've always wanted to hug you every morning. I wanted to say 'I love you' without sounding awkward.

I realized that loving someone that you don't stand a chance with is harder than a metal bar. And like a hard rock thrown at your face for you to wake up that he doesn't love you back.

I've tried everything to move on. Ignore him. Talk mean to him. Be mad at him. It worked for a couple of weeks, yes. But it didn't last. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to forget this feeling already.

GGSS - "Gandang ganda sa sarili" Hahahaha! Epekto ng kape.

Realizations

Meron akong panaginip recently about sa papa ko.. Napakasamang panaginip.

Nakasakay si papa sa motor na naka-red na jacket tapos di niya napansin na may paparating palang malaking truck. Nabunggo siya nun. Then next scene sa panaginip ko nasa school daw ako tapos may nagtext daw sakin na ayun nga, wala na si papa. Nakalimutan ko yung text na yun after ng ilang araw kasi next scene uuwi ako sa amin tapos tnext ko pa si papa sabi ko uuwi ako at sa bahay nila ako tutuloy.. Tapos pagkadating ko sa amin ang nadatnan ko lang dun, si tita, stepmom ko. Tas sabi ko pa, "Tita asan si papa?" Sumagot siya. "Diba wala na siya?" Saka ko naalala ung text sa akin. Umiyak ako ng umiyak tapos pumunta ako sa sementeryo ayaw pa akong papasukin ng gwardya dun sa sementeryo tapos nagwala wala na ako sa harapan niya.

Pagkagising ko, iyak ako ng iyak. Lagi nalang kasi kaming hindi nagkakaintindihan ni papa for the past months at may sama ako ng loob sa kanya. Hindi ko siya pinapahalagahan. Hanggang sa napanaginipan ko 'to. Na parang ipinaparating sakin ng panaginip ko na 'to na, aantayin ko pa ba siyang mawala bago ko maisip na mahalaga pala siya sa'kin. Ayokong mangyari yun. Mahal na mahal ko si papa at ayokong dumating ung pangyayaring di ko man lang naiparamdam sa kanya na yun. Na wala akong pakialam sa kanya.

Kaya nung kakauwi ko galing Baguio, sa bahay nila ako dumiretso. I slept there for a night. Namiss ko siya. Kahit napakasutil niya. Kahit na may pagkaisip bata. Kahit na nakakabwisit siya minsan. Mahal na mahal ko siya.

That dream was a sign and it opened my eyes sa mga bagay na hindi ko makita at ma-realize. I love you, papa. I'm sorry for the bad things I've said that hurt you.

My family. (L-R) Papa, Ned, Chi, Me and Kyla